BBC Radio Leicester pre-recorded Thought for the Day

based on an idea from a forwarded e-mail

© John Denney 14 July 2004

Transmitted at a later date

Don’t you just hate those telephone systems when you have to press buttons and hold on while they play you atrocious music? What if God installed one of those systems on the prayer channel…

Thank you for calling Heaven.

• For English, press 1.
• For other languages, press 2.
• For Welsh, the language of heaven, please hold.

Please select one of the following options:

• Press zero for a chat.
• Press 1 to apologise.
• Press 2 for Requests.
• Press 3 for Thanksgiving.
• Press 4 for Complaints.

I am sorry. All of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it as soon as one of the heavenly host is free. Please stay on the line.

• If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 1.
• If you would like to hear Ernest Luft singing “O for the wings of a dove”, please press 2.
• If you would like to sing your favourite hymn, please go ahead.

• If you are a Christian, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.
• If you are a satanist, please hang up and dial 6-6-6.
• If you are a hippy, press any combination of numbers until it feels good. Wow. The cosmos. And everything, man.
• If you are an atheist, why are you calling?

For answers to nagging questions about suffering, people of other faiths, homosexuality, dinosaurs, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

If you are a theologian and understand transubstantiation, the ontological proof of the existence of God, and the difference between pre- and post-millennialism, please report to the angel Gabriel on arrival in heaven. We haven’t a clue what you’re on about, and we’d like you to explain it to us.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am.

• If you wish to renew your subscription, please visit your local church next Sunday.
• If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you for calling and have a divine day!

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